Unplanned Parenthood

Once Bitten

Dear Jack,

If you shove your hand in another kid's mouth, please do not be surprised if the kid bites you.  Instead, please keep your fingers crossed that both of you are up to date on your shots.

Love,

Mama

P.S.  Thank you for not being the "Biter," although I am sorry you're the "Bittten."  Kind of.  But you also kind of deserved it.

Hiking with the midget

Sunday was an absolutely gorgeous day in the Bay Area (and it's still gorgeous!  It's almost 70 degrees!  We haven't had rain in 8 months!  We will not have any water and the whole place is going to burn to the ground this summer!)  (Right after the massive earthquake they've been predicting for 15 years!), so we went for a hike at Las Trampas in the East Bay Mudlands.  We chose a trail that was short-ish, but steep, so we could get a good work out in with Jack in the backpack.

(I wasn't wearing Jack.  Um, somebody else was packing him around.  Someone I like a lot.  Who shall remain nameless, but let's just leave it that I'm really, really happy right now.  Really.)  (Kind of annoyingly happy.)

Anyways.  About halfway up the hill, Jack decided he wanted out.  Like, OUT RIGHT NOW.  Ask nicely once, if no immediate response then lose your shit.  It's the toddler way.  So he was released from his bonds and our pace slowed down to, oh, about 0 miles per hour.  Sometimes -10.  We weren't in a hurry and certainly didn't have any major goals, so we just kind of messed around for awhile.  Threw rocks down the hill, picked some grass, chased each other around.  It was a really nice little Sunday morning.

 

 

 

Shave and a Haircut

After several months of snipping little bits of Jack's hair to try to keep it out of his eyes, I finally gave up and handed him over to a professional.  And she was, truly, a professional.  Her salon is just for kids and the chairs are little vehicles and there's a million frillion toys and she is the fastest haircutter I have ever seen.

 

And when she was all done, I had this little boy on my hands.

 

I think the best part of the haircut is that when he wakes up in the morning it's all sticky-uppy on the right side.  I can see his cowlick on that side and I just want to snuggle him.  You know, if he would sit still long enough.

Post-haircut brought a new level of bliss to Jack: his first milkshake.

 

God, this child is maddening and beautiful and funny and defiant and sweet and whiny.  My cousin calls him "spirited," which I think is an apt description.  Boring?  Never.  Frustrating?  Often.  Loved?  Most definitely.

On Toddlers

Have you ever lived with a schizophrenic, bi-polar 31" tall dictator?  It really is a level awesome that I can't even describe, but I have to say that my favorite part is the drop to the ground, ear-piercing scream-laden tantrums because I had the audacity to HOLD HIS HAND ON A SIDEWALK.

Obviously, this is normal toddler behavior, but I really have to say that that doesn't make it suck any less.  Also, obviously, it's not like everything sucks, but I will venture to guess that the suck factor is at about a 50/50 right now.  Or maybe 60/40.  Okay, fine.  75/25.  And don't get me wrong, the parts that don't suck really do make up (mostly) for the parts that do, but I was about 30 seconds away from letting him run with scissors yesterday because OH MY GOD I get sick of the battling.  How the fuck did I end up with a kid who has absolutely, 100% no interest in television?  How am I supposed to use the television as a babysitter while I drink my coffee on a Sunday morning when he won't even look at the screen.  DOES HE HAVE NO PITY?

(No, he does not.)

On the flip side, he has a phenomenal sense of humor and great dimples.  And he points to me, smiles and says, "mommy."  I guess I'll keep him.  At least until the end of the month.